It hurts when others deemed us a "failure" however it hurts more if we think the same of ourselves. So how to get out of this trap?
This is a book review for my very first book I bought way back in college as one of my course requirements dated September 28, 2012 that almost a decade later, I am still clinging to this as a timeless source of my inspiration and motivation. I hope this will be a wake up call for you, too and let's strive to be the best version of ourselves.
It's not my fault
The No-Excuse Plan to Put You In-Charge of Your Life
by: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
(A Comprehensive Book Review)
I. Introduction
"Who's to blame, people, circumstances or DNA?" is the question being introduced in the upper part of the book. As what the question implies, the book is all about stop letting excuses keep you from the life you long for. The sentence "It's not my fault" seems like just a common no-harm-done excuse. It can even seem like the truth. But the book will show you that it is really a dangerous self-destructive trap that keeps you from the life you want to live. Even if you have gotten a raw deal from other people, your DNA, life's circumstances, there is always something you can do to make things better. With the transformational insights, the authors will get your focus off what you cannot control and break free from the blame game that sabotages success.
The cover of the book has a color of red in the upper portion where "Who's to blame? People, Circumstances of DNA" is written, white in the middle in which the title "It's not my fault' is printed in a font style of Arial Unicode MS with a font size of 48 and yellow orange in the lower portion where "The No-Excuse Plan to Put You In-Charge of Your Life" and the name of the authors are written. Below the title is a figure of a man walking towards the east carrying a flag let but the flag is a shape of a hand pointing to the left and bag in the other hand which is also a shape of hand pointing to the right. The contents have a font of Times New Roman 12 with a 1.5 spacing that makes it pleasant to the eyes. The number of pages is 242 and consists of eight chapters excluding the introduction and conclusion.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are the authors. They are popular speakers, psychologists, founders of Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources and co-hosts of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program. Drs. Cloud and Townsend are the authors of numerous award-winning and popular books including God Will Make A Way and Boundaries, which has sold millions. Both hold doctorates in Psychology and maintain private practices in Southern California.
II. Book Highlights
Everyone of us is aware that there are two kinds of people: winners and losers, haves and have nots. However, the authors point out that people can be divided into two types in another way: those who take responsibility for their lives and who don't. People live in a culture of blame but still there are people who learn to take responsibility without making other things as an excuse and they usually become successful.
Chapter 1 states the principle "You Can Own Your Own Life." It starts with a quote, "Excuses change nothing, but make everyone feel better," by Mason Cooley. The chapter emphasizes that people are fond of blaming other things for their problems and they do not take responsibility of their problems. People should not let other things controlled their life but it must be them that direct it. In life, people cannot determine which cards they are dealt but they can always create, seek, and find a range of options to determine how they will play the cards in their hands. Life is truly unfair and different from a person's expectations so people must deal life as it is because the reality is that the world today does not operate according to the rules of how things ought to be. For you to have a better life, you can choose to give up your demand that life be something that it is not and own it for what it is. Accept the reality and stop protesting. Your life is your life and everything depends on you.
Chapter 2 holds the principle "You Can Learn to Think Differently." It talks about issues of people having some sort of thinking called cognitive distortion. One big issue is catastrophic thinking, a process where people think that a situation will result to disastrous outcome. For you to think differently, you must know that your mind is not always telling the truth because your mind always bases its perceptions on your experiences. Then, give up the idea that what you think is always the things are. Lastly, question what your mind perceives and relate it to reality. These are the examples of what mind distorts. Distorted-thinking statement:1."I've tried everything and nothing helps," people keep stuck and hopeless because they believe that they tried everything but there are no solutions and all they do is accept the bad situation. But, the truth is they are just afraid of failure, discouraged and just worn out. 2."I can't," people simply learn that life is easier when you don't try because when you avoid risk you don't hurt so much. Distorted-thinking practice:1. Passive language, people use their choices in such a way that they disown responsibility, ownership and empowerment;2. Negative thinking, people see themselves as unlucky and look at the world unfriendly to them;3.Defensive Thinking, the authors presented here the Four Horsemen of Defense-Denial: our minds deny the truth; Minimizing: our minds will look for ways to damage control; Excusing: "yes-but" thinking; Rationalizing: presenting questionable behavior in the most favorable light possible. The chapter has given some steps to revive the person's thinking and make it help rather than hinder your efforts to be more successful:1. Commit yourself to raw reality;2. Become a humble person;3. Be a self-observer;4. Forgive;5. Create and write slogans. People are given brains as tools to help them see the reality for what it is and then to think, plan and dream.
Chapter 3 states the principle "You Can Always Find a Choice." There are unlimited choices as long as you open your eyes to those choices. There is no such thing as "no way out" when we take ownership of our problems for a change. Do not let any circumstances control you, instead always find a choice. The authors introduce the term "learned helplessness" in Psychology. It is a formula for depression manifested by people who learn early in life that no matter what they do, it will not affect the outcome whatsoever that is why they are forever trapped in miseries. The authors point out that for you to avoid getting stuck in any area of your life, you need to find out where your freedom ends and take steps to enlarge it until you can feel free by remembering one thing: you always have a choice.
Chapter 4 expresses the principle "You Can Stretch and Risk." It begins with a quote, "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go," by T.S. Elliot. People can quit laying blame for their failures on circumstances and other people when they want to take charge of their dreams, goals, and even obstacles. One key is to become a person who is skilled at and unafraid of stretching and risking. The author presented the 2 types of risk,1. Smart Risks, smart for 2 reasons - because your chances of success are reasonably good or because the cost of failure is negligible;2. Dumb Risks, which are converse: have very low chances of success but high cost for failure. The following are steps to take risks. First, make change your ally. You need to see change as your friend and not your enemy because success always comes from willingness for change. Change is dynamic and has two types, change of outcomes which refers to the difference you would like to see and change of output means doing things differently. Second, get rid of the inertia. A bad decision is better than no decision, as the Marine Corps say. Become a moving object. As long as you're moving, it will take God less energy to change your direction. Third, enjoy the ride, change shall be perceived as positive, beneficial and often enjoyable. Fourth, face and reject fears. You need to understand fear for you to be free to reject them. There are 2 types of fear: helpful and useless fear. Fear alerts us to a potentially dangerous situation and prepares us to take corrective actions. On the other hand, fear sometimes is not about reality but misperceptions and distortions. The authors introduce the term "fear of fear" where fear is stronger when people fear of becoming afraid. To address this, allow the fear to enter your mind, acknowledge it for what it is and let it go. You must have the control and power of your feelings so you can deal with your fear.
People who become successful are those who are willing to try new things and take risks for them to realize that they can do things that they don't usually do so they will be involved in thinking and doing. They will be able to exercise their minds to be creative and imaginative. What is beyond you will be a part of you if you try it because our mind has the ability to change known as plasticity which means our minds adapt and grow as we require them to. So, you must stretch and risk finding your dreams.
Chapter 5 details the principle "You Can Get Connected." It presents a quote by Michael Jordan, "Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championship." People need others in their quest of achieving their desires in life. You will succeed in your dreams when you connect yourself to the external world. The authors define connections as gasoline in providing you drive and energy you need to reach your destination, especially our connections to God. In using connections and resources properly, the authors recommend to invite the feedback from your life guardians, keep sources separate from the outcomes and take everything as your responsibility, be grateful, open and non-defensive and normalize complexity and different viewpoints.
Chapter 6 talks the principle "You Can Learn to Say No." You should say no to anything that distracts you from achieving your goals in life. Always stay focused. The authors specify several obstacles which people should avoid: 1. Information Age Incursion just like the unimportant chat messages and emails that often use up so much of your time;2. Toxic people: envious, negative, controlling and needy people; 3. worthy-but-untimely things and people's own codependency. People should not also settle for less unless you accept the reality that you are contented, not that you're only avoiding failure.
Chapter 7 states the principle "You Can Deal with a Failure" and begins with a quote by John Hersey, "Learning starts with failure, the first failure is the beginning of education,". People should not be afraid of failure because it is always a part of our life since there is no perfect in this world. The authors identify steps in owning your life when you encounter failure:1. Normalize and deal with failure;2. Find out what failing means to you;3. Go ahead and admit that you failed;4. Learn from it and forgive yourself;5. Look at your responses and go for it again;6. Have the funeral, express your feelings and kiss it goodbye. When you fail, not everything is lost, you also gain experience, learning and maturity;7. Learn that you can learn, when you experience downfall, always stand up again.
Chapter 8 discusses the principle, "You Can Persist and Persevere" and presents the quote by Winston Churchill, "Sure I am of this, that you only have to endure it to conquer." It also features Mr. Soichiro Honda's philosophy, "Success can be achieved only through repeated failure and introspection. Success represents one percent of work that resulted from ninety-nine percent of failure." People should put in mind that the value of persistence and perseverance is that you will find out along the way that the result is not the only prize because the real prize is the growth and lessons that you have realized in your journey, it is the trip of getting there that is called life. The authors concluded that those 8 principles will help people get out of the blame game and savor life that they want to live. Saying "It's not my fault," will turn you away from your dreams and desires, so you should accept your faults and take charge of your own life. But remember, you are not alone because God is always walking with you.
III. Reactions and Recommendations
The book is encouraging and enlightening to a reader who lives her whole life in poverty, a person who believes that she has no talent and skill but only the courage, determination and perseverance in her inner self that drive her to search for excellence and a person whose trust and loyalty has been broken by those fair-weather people and feels difficulty in giving her trust again to others. This book gives new strength and increases the self-efficacy of a reader whose heart is full of fear because she has no self-confidence. Moreover, this book makes a reader realize that she is on the right path of making ways to achieve her dreams despite all the obstacles that come her way. Being poor is not her fault so who is, but it does not need to be answered because what is important is that it is her choice to do something about it. Life is always a choice. So what if she doesn't have the skills and talents? As they say, it is not about the talent but it is the desire. The reader also thinks that God makes her find this book for a reason.
IV. Conclusion
People truly live in a land of imperfection where everyone experiences failure. People are just human beings who get tired and frustrated when they are facing challenges and difficulties therefore they make excuses to ease the pain they feel when they are totally worn out. People sometimes become lost in the direction of their dreams so they tend to become less motivated and become content with what they only have. Accordingly, people need a reminding material so that they will not lose sight of their dreams and that is this book, a useful guide while they are continuously seeking the joy of their life.
“It's not my fault must” be changed to “It's my fault” so I must do something about it. “I can't” must be changed to “I can” and “I will”. Then, success is all yours. Whatever it is that bothers you, always remember that do not let anything stop you in chasing your dreams. It is you that manages your life and the life you live is always dependent on how you manage it. Be a manager of your own life who plans, organizes, leads and controls your dreams so you can have a successful life. You may blame sometimes but find solutions and improvements, then make a choice and put it in action. In all walks of your life, you are always in-charge.
-MESSY E.
💌 Subscribe to Miss and Mess
A journal of reflections, resilience, and the quiet power of living through life’s misses and messes.
Scroll below and hit “Yes to the Mess” — and never miss a post.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)