Healed but still Healing: The Journey

Time does not heal all pain, we just learn to live with it.

At 3AM.

I am happy. I am ok.

I am happy. I am being happy, but for a second, a minute, an hour I really don’t know, I space out – thinking of you, missing you.

I am ok. I am being ok. I actually don’t have time for not being ok, but maybe time exists - for me to think of you, miss you, and that’s it, damn, I am not ok.

I am happy. I am being happy. I choose to be happy but some days are too long to put up with – to disregard that I am thinking of you, missing you.

There are just so many “I am happy, I am ok but..” lines if I continue.

After all, trust me, I am happy, I am ok to think of you, to miss you.

I will think of you as much as I want until I realize how foolish I am.

I will miss you as much as I want until I am done hurting.

I will think of you as much as I want until I am tired of asking “what is wrong with me?”

I will miss you as much as I want until I think of you as nothing more than a distant memory.

I will think of you as much as I want until I accept that you did not choose me and that’s fine.

I will miss you as much as I want until I thank you for the pain that turns me into a hopeless romantic poet.

I will think of you as much as I want until I learn to choose myself to be truly happy and ok again.

Today, 4 years ago, I posted this on one of my social media accounts - my story of heartbreaks. I got through heartaches with another heartache, pain over pain until I ended up losing myself. My agony was unbearable that I reached the point where I wanted to die but I still wished to continue living. I yearned for my mind to cease thinking and my heart to stop breaking into pieces. I could not believe that the world in front of me was turning upside down and the bright future ahead of me was starting to darken like the clouds in the sky when it was about to rain. At first, I didn't want to admit that. 

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years, and here I am telling myself “Oh, you were hurt that much back then! How foolish of you!” with a proud grinning face. But, how did I deal with it? I desire for healing. When we are sick, we ask for medicine. When we are tired, we take rest. I am in pain so I should seek healing. But you know, I realize that healing is quite a long journey. I am not even in the position to talk about healing, yet I love to share this undertaking with you.

The first fundamental step to my healing project is forgiving myself. I commit mistakes. I make poor decisions. I am weak. I get scared. Basically, I am just human. I hear this all the time as an excuse but at this moment, I view it as the reality. I accept the truth that I mess up and stop hating myself for it. I embrace myself like I deserve only the beautiful things in this universe. I just do everything I feel love doing. 

Am I healed then? Yes and no. Yes, because I am starting to see the world in its livable form and I have a new reason to wake up each day - that is to love myself more than ever before. No, because I still find myself crying in tears at night. From time to time, I feel empty. Sometimes, I am still curious about that person. So what did I do? I just go on. I am wearing a smile during the day. I am hugging my pillow while in tears at night. And it’s okay, since I am not yet done grieving. I let myself cry. I soak myself in pain. I accept that this is the price I have to pay for being able to experience love that is not meant for me. People always give advice such as letting go and moving on. But strange to say, the more you push yourself to let go, the more you think of those happy moments you shared together that are impossible to happen anymore. That makes it difficult to accept what is gone. That is when I realize I should not suppress my feelings of missing the person who hurts me. That is why I wrote that post 4 years ago. I allow my emotions to swallow me whole. That is when I get tired of hurting. That is when I started to break free. Healing is missing someone and at the same time, accepting that you cannot be with that someone ever again.

I thought I was over it but it hit me all over again. When I thought I had it under control, there I was again on the brink of falling apart. If I had not met him, I would not doubt the intentions of the people I just met. I would have high self esteem to take all those opportunities knocking on my door. I would have been more confident in pursuing my dreams. I blamed that person for almost all the debacles in my life. Nevertheless, what's the use of all this blaming? I thought of that a thousand times until I learned to forgive him not because he asked for forgiveness but I wanted that person to remain as a happy memory not as someone who I put the blame into when things do not go as planned. 

But you know maybe life sometimes needs to be cruel to test me because the moment I own my shortcomings, I find out that the person who left me feeling helpless seems having a good life. For all that, it’s absolutely fine because it does not hurt that much as before. I wish that someone happiness so there will be no room for hate in my heart. I am hurt but I am done hurting. I am in pain but I can manage. Healing is a decision to live through the pain until it does not bother you anymore, to go your own way without hating yourself and the world. 

Moving on is really a tedious task. When you see things that remind you of that person, it feels like you are back again to zero. By perfect chance, I learned this quote by Vienna Pharaon - “Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered, and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story, and walk your way to a different ending.” That is when I begin to think that I am not sure of where I am going but I am on my way towards healing. Who knows, this might lead me to a beautiful destination. 

Surely, healing is complicated. One moment, you are fine and then you are not. As for me, I will continue to desire healing. No matter how long it takes and no matter what happens, I will keep venturing on this healing project. I will let you know of my progress then. I hope things get better for all of us. -MESSY E.

Update:
This post, written three years ago, has quietly become the first chapter of a larger story — a healing and love series titled "Beneath the Misses, Beyond the Mess: My Way Back to Me." If you're reading this now, you're already where it all began.

→ Read the full series introduction here when it goes live soon.

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