Social Spaces Disable Me

There is something I have noticed about myself, and it took me a long time to accept it. Before weddings, gatherings, or any social event where interaction is expected, my body reacts. I start coughing. I feel like I am getting sick. Sometimes I feel drained even before I leave the house, as if my body already knows that a socially demanding situation is coming.

What stands out to me is how quickly it ends. Once the event is over and I am back in my own space, I feel fine again. The coughing stops. The sickness fades. It is as if my body only needed to endure the social situation, and once it is done, it lets go.

At first, I thought it was coincidence. I told myself I was just tired or that my immune system was weak. But over time, I noticed the same thing happening in other moments that require social presence. It also happens before job interviews. Even when I feel prepared and calm, my body responds the same way. My throat tightens, the coughing starts, and I feel unwell. And once the interview ends, the symptoms disappear.

I do not have a professional explanation for this. I am not a psychologist. I only know what I experience. I know that I do not get close to my colleagues, that I keep my distance, and that I do not really have friends. For a long time, I wondered if this meant something was wrong with me socially, or if I was failing at something that seems natural to others.

Eventually, I reached a quieter conclusion. Social situations disable me. Not in an extreme way, and not in a way that needs diagnosis, but in a real, lived way. Long interactions, social expectations, and the need to perform in front of others take a physical toll on me. My body reacts by coughing, feeling sick, and shutting down. And when the situation ends, I recover.

This acceptance has not made my life smaller. I still attend social events when needed. I still go to interviews. I still work and function. But I no longer pretend that social spaces affect everyone the same way. Some environments enable people. Others disable them. For me, many social spaces are disabling.

Letting myself acknowledge this has changed how I treat myself. I no longer shame myself for needing distance. I no longer force closeness to prove that I can handle it. I listen to my body instead of arguing with it, and that feels more honest than pretending otherwise.

This is life beneath the mess after so many misses. And I am still living fully just in a way that allows me to stay well.- MESSY E.

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