It’s 3AM Again — But I’m Not the Same Anymore

The second entry in a healing and love series — a return to the 3AM hour that once broke me but doesn’t define me anymore.

It’s 3AM again.

I’m lying in bed, just like I used to years ago. But this time, I’m not caught in a loop of spiraling thoughts. I’m not crying into a pillow or trying to understand what went wrong. I’m just awake — not restless, not broken, just… awake.

There was a time when this hour meant everything. It was when I let myself feel what I’d been avoiding all day — the heartbreak, the grief, the shame of loving someone who didn’t choose me. I remember writing something at 3AM.It was raw, unfiltered, a piece of my heart cracked wide open on the screen. I poured myself into every line, hoping it would be enough to make the pain easier to carry.

Now, years later, I find myself revisiting those words. Not because I’m still stuck there — but because I realize how far I’ve come since writing them.

Back then, I said,

“I will miss you as much as I want until I think of you as nothing more than a distant memory.”

And here I am — not completely untouched by those memories, but no longer defined by them either.

Healing didn’t erase what happened.

It just gave me new language for it.

New distance.

New clarity.

If I were to write what I feel at 3AM now, it would sound more like this:

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At 3AM (Rewritten)

I am awake. I am still.

I am awake, and it doesn’t hurt.

I am not waiting for a message. Not replaying memories. Not asking what went wrong.

I am breathing — not heavy, not sharp — just steady.

I am whole in this quiet, not haunted by it.

I am not forcing joy, or fighting sadness.

I am not missing you.

I am not wishing it turned out differently.

I am just here, present, soft, and stronger than I was.

I still remember. I always might.

But I no longer ache when the clock hits 3AM.

I no longer need to convince myself I’m okay — I simply am.

I am not holding my breath.

I am not bracing for the grief.

I am resting — fully, finally.

I am not forgetting.

I am forgiving.

And I am choosing — not you, not us —

But me.

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So here I am at 3AM again. But I’m not crying. I’m not unraveling. I’m not whispering, “Why didn’t you choose me?”

Because tonight, the silence doesn’t echo with longing.

It holds space for peace.

And that is more than enough.

This is the second entry in my healing and love series.

If you missed the first one, you can read it here:

➡️ Healed but still Healing: The Journey

→ Read the full series introduction here.

And as the rest of the mess unfolds…

❁ ❁ ❁

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