Suddenly I’m 33

I turned 33 recently, and to be honest, it didn’t feel like much at first. There was no dramatic realization, no big “aha” moment that made everything make sense. It was just another day on the calendar but one that made me pause a little longer than usual. Maybe it’s because this number, 33, sounds like the age where you’re supposed to have things figured out. Supposed to feel stable, secure, maybe even a little proud of how far you’ve come.

Instead, I feel like I’m in the middle of something unfinished.

There’s been a lot leading up to this age, a lot of trying, falling short, holding on, letting go. Things I thought would last, didn’t. Paths I thought I’d be walking by now, I’m not even close to. There were relationships that meant everything at one point and now feel like blurry chapters. There were chances I didn’t take because I was scared, or tired, or trying to be responsible. I missed things. I messed up some of them, too.

For a while, I let those misses and messes define me. I kept asking, “What if I had done that differently?” or “Where would I be now if I hadn’t chosen survival over desire?” It’s exhausting to live like that in constant replay, in measuring yourself against timelines that were never really yours.

But the thing is, I’m still here. I’ve made it through every version of disappointment and every quiet, private grief I didn’t tell many people about. And what surprises me is that I’ve learned how to live with those things, not in spite of them.

Living fully doesn’t look like a picture-perfect life for me, not at 33. It looks like learning how to make peace with the mess. It looks like showing up for my life even when it’s not going how I planned. It looks like saying no without guilt. It looks like finally letting myself rest without feeling like I’ve fallen behind.

I don’t have the answers. But I do have the capacity to stay. And for me, that’s a kind of fullness I didn’t know I could have, the kind where I don’t need to start over. I just need to keep going.

So yes, I’ve missed a lot. Yes, I’ve made a mess of some things. But I’m still here. Still learning how to live fully not in a perfect way, just in a real one.

And that’s enough for now. - MESSY E.

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